Shooting off from the mouth: All Apologies....and Then Again For the Nirvana Reference Column by The Lovely Tami Ryan
In the words of a way smart dude, it's been a long time since I rapped at you. I apologize for my lack of any column material for at least one fiscal quarter. I've started at grad school so my reasons for being a neglectful columnist at least take root in a run towards higher education. Of course in this jaunt towards an MFA degree I have left my position at everyone's favorite superstore and my chihuahua, to move here to this blighted place...no wait, I am not going to be negative about this yet. I'll talk about something else...something nice.
I've been wanting to thank the small but highly important contingent of column fans who know me in the physical realm, you know, like have seen me before. It's great getting your feedback! Thanks for peer pressuring me in a much more fun way than Mr. Jordan A. Baker (withholding my dental insurance, killing my goldfish, licking my bagels, etc)!
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Look people, I'm trying to be upbeat here, so I just deleted a chunk of depressing change. You can thank me later. Let's talk about summer...
Unfortunately, Ocean City didn't prompt many compelling tales this summer thanks to the cover hikes at many of the best places. Especially at my favorite kareoke bar...I don't care if the cover is only three dollars, it's free all winter! I will not pay! It's hardly worth it when there's no place to sit anyway, and you'll only get to sing once, and there will be no soap in the bathroom for the rest of the night after 10 pm. I want to be able to wash my hands when I'm drinking! People who have been drinking need to wash their hands more than anyone! They touch things sober people wouldn't touch...like places where someone recently vomited, or sticky things, or sluts even.
Please people - WASH YOUR HANDS! You're going to come back out of that bathroom no doubt with traces of at least someone's urine on your hands, if not your own, and then touch other people. It's just not kosher to be rubbing your urine contaminated hands on some scant tube top wearin' broad's bare back. Ugh...I shudder to think of the number of parking lot trysts occuring betwixt those who have not washed their hands in hours. Moist towelettes are easy to carry in clutch bags and wallets. Men, unlike that "lucky" condom, moist towelettes will keep for years!
It's bad enough that you people probably did body shots off at least two other people before you met that night...but why not keep at least some of your extremities clean?!
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Living in a modern world is a funny thing. I always remember a line from one of those movies about technological progress that we had to watch in the 5th grade that talked about the world getting more and more complicated and how all the new technology had "sentenced today's youth to twelve years of school just to learn how to survive." I was only in the 5th grade and that line depressed me even then. That was 11 years ago now!
I've been dealing a lot with the technological/professional realms versus the personal realm. I'm lucky enough to be able to continue studying what I love to do (photography) on a graduate school level...but at the same time I have an amazing set of people I love. Studying here has moved me more out of their reach than I really want. So the question that plays through my head is whether getting this degree is worth the opportunity cost (thank you econ 101!) of time spent with aforementioned amazing loved ones?
Maybe the point is that it's unfortunate that families just keep spreading out across the globe. Families keep dissipating. I can't imagine not talking to my family on a regular basis...maybe families are just not cool right now. I guess that's because being a kid isn't the thing to be anymore. They don't even show those Country Time lemonade commercials anymore, do they? I miss those commercials. I think about doing the stuff in them a lot, riding bikes or running through fields and not having to be home until dinner was ready. Once dinner was over, you went to bed and fell asleep right away. Well, I never did, I was having night terrors about being dead, but most kids went right to sleep. My sister did anyway, no matter what we had watched.
My biggest fear then, besides being dead of course, was of the show Unsolved Mysteries. I HATE HATE HATED that show. I didn't even have to be watching it to freak out. I only had to hear that dude's voice to start whimpering. Every summer we stayed at the beach in my grandma's condo, and my great uncle would come to visit. Guess what his favorite show was....you got it. It was that goddamned UNSOLVED MYSTERIES. No matter where you went in that place the sound of Unsolved Mysteries resonated. I spent a lot of time covering my ears with my pillow or trying to convince my mom to run the water when my uncle was visiting. When Unsolved got syndicated was the worst summer ever...then I had three or four episodes to contend with, and they could appear at any time!
Aside from that stuff, and the fact that I was convinced there was something in my closet (how many 21 and up kids got totally fucking freaked out by that episode of the ghostbusters cartoon with the boogeyman?), I led a relatively fancy free lifestyle. I managed to keep it up basically until my first job. After that though, all the stress I'd been avoiding seemed to come back and pay me off at a high interest rate. I get really depressed when I think about how I have to do this for the next two years, and how I'll have to do it everyday and maybe not ever run through any fields. Fields are nice, and I LIKE them!
Okay so I will get better at this whole deal, but the offer still stands to the next person who tells me to "give it time." You know, the deal where you say it and then I kick you in the balls.
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Assignments:
1. Rethink grad school - do you REALLY want it?
2. Eat more port wine spreadable cheese
3. Refuse to buy a 2004 calendar until they're 50% off at least.
4. Call your mom and let her get at least semi up in your shit.
5. Look forward to the release of the new ELVIS COSTELLO cd ("North") but wait to see him til he releases another "harder" album.
