Shooting off from the mouth: Halloween Style Column by The Lovely Tami Ryan
You know since it's the eve of Halloween, I've got to give you guys some constructive criticism and some replacement costume ideas to possibly save you from my wrath.
If I hear about even ONE more Playboy Bunny costume (unless on a guy) I am just going to fucking explode. It's never just one Playboy Bunny - it's always a gaggle of uncreative girls huddling together hoping for some sort of warmth from the attention of a number of easy to please drunk male partygoers dressed in that fat tourist costume.
POSSIBLE REPLACEMENT: the daughters from Just the Ten of Us
I hope the guy wearing the fat tourist costume didn't think he was getting off so easily, as this is totally not the case. The fat tourist is like my plastic Big Bird costume when I was two, you take it out of a box, except I was adorable. The fat tourist costume is ugly and takes up waaaay too much room. Honestly, do you think you're going home with a fake Playboy Bunny? Those girls really just want to sleep with the guy at the party dressed as some character Heath Ledger played.
POSSIBLE REPLACEMENTS: some character Heath Ledger played
Okay, I shouldn't even have to say this because it's too obvious, but please stop fueling the cheap wig industry. The glitter wig, the rainbow wig, the black witch wig, ALL of these are terrible. Also on the extremely terrible list is hair color in a can. How many years of our lives did we cut off by inhaling that stuff?! There's no way to avoid it! You get it sprayed and you run as far as you can without breathing and/or passing out and when you stop, you're still surrounded by it! Bottom line: REAL HAIR, REAL HAIR COLOR (unless you're a guy playing a woman, or anyone making use of a bald head wig).
POSSIBLE REPLACEMENT: what's already on your head
I know you dudes are way into the naughty schoolgirl costume, but save it for the bedroom. If you like it so much because you're not getting any action, I know some Playboy Bunnies I could hook you up with. It's Halloween, be creative! There are plenty of other occupations that can begin with the word naughty. Naughty trashwoman, naughty olympic gymnast-see how easy that was?!
POSSIBLE REPLACEMENTS: naughty grocery store worker, naughty hairstylist, naughty soccer mom, naughty alcoholic, naughty accountant at H&R Block
These are modern times and it's time to get over certain costumes. Once a costume gets produced in one of those cheap costume in a bag formats, you can rest assured it's played out. There are sooo many people, toys, and inanimate objects you could dress as! No one wants to see someone wearing the same thing as them...I've probably told this story before, but in the 5th grade my then best friend and I were going to dress as a two headed monster. Some girls in a higher grade must have heard and one of their moms made them an amazing monster looking costume, while my best friend and I were perfectly content wearing a large woman's shirt. Everyone thought we were conjoined twins for Halloween. Who would want to dress as conjoined twins in the 5th grade?!
POSSIBLE REPLACEMENT: conjoined twins (it's not 5th grade anymore).
T-shirts that say things like "this is my costume" are for people who are NOT going to get laid. Stop being lazy. God there are thing you can dress as that will take minimal effort, here's some replacement, but next year think ahead please!
POSSIBLE REPLACEMENTS: Elliot from ET (just a hoodie, fools!), a HOBO (get your picture taken!), someone who works at whatever store you have a shirt with that store name on
All costumes involving the word "dead" in their description are okay. Masks must be individually approved, but if they have fake hair attached think long and hard before presenting them to me. Pissing on people's porches in the hopes that it freezes there is so not cool. Smashing pumpkins is a sport for losers that I will hunt down and punch in the balls. Don't fuck with mailboxes, it's so...since mailboxes were invented til like....the present. Egging, I have to admit, can be amusing.
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That's it for now kids, I've still got a paper to be working on if the weekend is going to be good!
Ghoulish Assignments!
1. Look for the Mighty Pastepunk vs. the Pithy PunkROCKS.net costume contest! (if I can in fact make it happen)
2. Remember all Halloween candy is half off the day after.
3. Remember what I said about harming pumpkins.
