Shooting off from the mouth: What's Red and Pink and Purple All Over? Column by The Lovely Tami Ryan
I have to apologize for the fact that the Pastepunk versus Punkrocks Halloween costume contest never took place. Just take my word for it though, when it comes to terrifying transvestite cheerleader costumes, Elliot takes the cake. I think the competition fizzled once the rest of the would-be-winners saw Elliot's costume, which one described as having "burned his retinas." Congratulations Elliot!
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It's not really good manners to skip out on people from Halloween to Valentine's Day, but I fear this has been my path. Many perfectly good holidays have fallen by the wayside due to my careless nature, but I have returned in time to save you from hapless Valentine's Day errors! Rejoice!
Luckily, we're beyond the days of having to deliver uncomfortable wishes to an entire elementary school class each year, and can now choose who recieves our heartfelt sentiment. This is something to be taken advantage of, and not dismissed as some dumbass card company plot. You know, you don't have to BUY a card. As long as both of your hands are 75% mobile, I think you're capable of glue stick usage. The point is, if you're with someone that you genuinely care about, you should want to take every available opportunity to tell them that you care. If you don't care all that much, a candy rose and a gas station card should suffice. While you're at the gas station you can even get some o' them real fancy colored rubbers to show Desiree just how much you care.
I don't want to continue browbeating someone who uses condoms - even if they are from the gas station, so let's skip right to the tip list.
1. Girls - guys do not want stuffed animals that come in red, pink and purple. Giving someone an object that will cause them continuous embarassment isn't very loving! Try making a cake or buying the young man something not so Valentine's Day specific.
2. Please don't anyone rent movies along the lines of "Love, Actually" (is there supposed to be a comma there?), anything with Ashton Kutcher in it as a romantic lead, or any other piece of psuedo-romantic tripe acted out by people who are not capable of real human emotions. Go see "Big Fish" instead.
3. Here's one from my sister: "Don't date stupid assholes who cheat on you so you have no Valentine."
4. Be original, the fucking rose isn't the only flower on the whole goddarned planet.
5. Be original, those Hallmark "kiss-kiss bears" are not the only Valentine's day gift on the whole goddarned planet.
6. Don't eat anything liable to cause embarassing stomach upset! Valentine's Day isn't supposed to involve a lot of clenching your buttocks together - no matter what the context. I guess if you do get gassy you can always light a candle each time and still pass as "romantic." (Booooooooo - ed.)
7. Don't spend too much on flowers, not because your significant other won't appreciate them, but because I'll think you're lame. Buy chocolates instead! There's probably a picture of a flower on the box.
None of this is designed to make anyone who's not seeing someone feel bad on Valentine's Day, just some (maybe) funny suggestions for those who are. Don't forget your friends and especially family on V Day! There's no reason to feel bad for not having a boyfriend or girlfriend on the red and pink day, it should just make you savor it more when you meet the right person. I hate to be so mushy, you'll have to forgive me, I've been sick all day. Ah hell, that's not the real reason at all. In a rare show of genuine personal feelings on Pastepunk, I've got to admit that I'm thrilled to get to spend my first Valentine's Day with my best friend and boyfriend of eight months (and best friend of about 2 years), Nate!
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I've decided to try and take an optimistic view for the coming semester, which is already being challenged on my second day back up here at school. It's very uncharacteristic of me to even try and be optimistic and I've got to tell you, it feels like doing way too many sit ups. You pant helplessly and your stomach hurts. This brand of optimism is undoubtedly not too challenging to the practiced optimist, as it runs more along the lines of "maybe you won't want to drop out this semester," rather than, "the glass is half full."
Anyway, I've resolved not to try and dwell on the unpleasantness of certain encounters this semester, so don't expect me to expound the misery of my college career again for a while. Don't hold it against me for talking about it on IM however.
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Assignments:
1. See "Big Fish"
2. Don't allow John Kerry to get the Democratic nod (be reasonable, it's got to be a southerner!).
3. Check out www.ILOVECHEESE.com!
4. Don't eat too much Philly Cheesesteak pizza during the Superbowl.
