Shooting Off From The Mouth: Finally Column by The Lovely Tami Ryan
In lieu of me attempting to say something funny to begin this column, let's have a moment of silence for Punkrocks.net, a website that always appreciated things that attempted to be funny... especially when they wrote them.
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A lot has transpired since my last column. I finished my Master's degree in Fine Arts. I started and completed all of the coursework for the program I am now in to get certified to teach art in public schools. I start my student teaching in August. I get to try my hand at both the elementary school and high school level in the space of a few months. I got engaged in December and this summer, I get MARRIED. Oh, and to pay the bills, I've learned a lot about selling eyeglasses. The eyeglass thing is alright, but it's gotten kind of stale now that I've met all possible customer types and they replay over and over.
Customer 56: "Is there a Lenscrafters in this mall?" (note: I work for a competitor. Also Customer 56, as well as Customer 57 walk into the store merely to ask me these questions). Reason Customer 56 is irritating: Why does Customer 56 assume that a business is required to cheerfully direct you to their competitor? I've tried saying "upstairs" but they pry further until I tell them exactly where upstairs. It always makes me angry that they bested me.
Customer 57: "Is there a Sam Goody/Hair Cuttery/Rite Aid/Nordstrom Rack/Jewelry Store in this mall? Where?" Reason Customer 57 is irritating: See above, though I do like Customer 57 better than 56 because I can always shrug and tell them I don't know (even though I do, SUCKERS!) and then they realize they shouldn't use an optical store as the mall customer service desk (which is about 50 feet from the store).
Customer 11: "Whoa, who's going to help me?" Reason Customer 11 is irritating: Someone has already asked Customer 11 if they can help them. When Customer 11 arrives, several store employees may be waiting to help someone. One will ask if they can help Customer 11, to which Customer 11 replies "Whoa, who's going to help me?" since so many of us are available. Customer 11 may also say "wow, you guys sure look busy" or "wow, you guys sure look happy to be here."
Customer 33: "Can I use you phone/leave my stuff here even though I am not going to buy anything or even pretend to?" Reason Customer 33 is irritating: Customer 33 is generally a 12 year old girl or a total psycho. I prefer the guy who came in with a full colostomy bag swinging from his belt to ask me what time it was to Customer 33. Customer 33 has gone crazy and started rambling about how the reason her hair was so short was because of men in Puerto Rico or something and warning me about my co-worker (who is Indian and not Puerto Rican). Then she told us what neighborhood she grew up in and stormed out. Of course that was after she used the phone.
Customer 2: "Can you clean these off?" Reason Customer 2 is irritating: Just so you're all aware, glasses with nosepads can form a disgusting blue/green gunk (that can be either solid or liquid) after you wear them forever. Customer 2 seems to be unaware of said gunk and demands that you finish up with their glasses quickly, even though you had to put them in the sonic cleaner in the lab just to be able to find the screwhead. The lab tech at my job told me an awesome story about Customer 2. At a place he used to work at, a girl was adjusting a customer's glasses that had nosepads that slid onto the glasses so they formed a pouch. The pouch was full of that gunk and she accidentally squeezed one of the nosepads. The gunk flew into her face and she immediately threw up right in front of the customer. I'm certain that particular Customer 2 had no idea what was so gross and that always makes me laugh... and then sigh despondently. Buy plastic glasses when you can, people.
Customer 12: "Are my glasses in yet?" Reason Customer 12 is irritating: My parting words to any customer who is not told the time when their glasses will be ready are "We'll call you when they're ready."
Customer 78: "I'm a total asshole to my father/mother/grandmother/other person I am the caretaker of." (note: Customer 78 does not state this outright, but it is immediately obvious to those around him or her.) Reason Customer 78 is irritating: Here at the optometrist's office that I work in, we see a wide variety of people. Seeing as how old people often need glasses, it's not unusual to have someone with dementia be brought in for an eye exam. It IS unusual when the caretaker gives us all the gory details of the patient's medical history and mental future and then loudly patronizes the patient.
We had this woman come in with her mother and father. The father has Alzheimer's disease and cancer, but seemed to be a very sweet and agreeable man. The daughter, who's in charge of the whole outing, corners me while I try and find his file and tells me all the details of his recent hospitalization, etc. I don't really need to know any of that, since this is an optometrist's office, but I was willing to politely listen. I took them back to the exam room and the father and daughter went in. The mother was standing in the hallway and I told her she could go in too if she wanted. "What does it matter?! He has Alzheimer's!" was her reply. I just kind of stood there shocked for a minute and then told her where the magazines were. I didn't finish waiting on them that day because I left or went to lunch, but apparently the mother told one of my co-workers to "hurry the fuck up" when they were finishing the sale.
So I was there when they came back, and of course the glasses weren't ready. The daughter again mentioned that she was a VERY BUSY WOMAN and that is it VERY HARD to take care of her parents, even though she wasn't mad about the glasses. The daughter was also all riled up because my co-worker hadn't offered them the "buy one get one free deal." I find it's pretty hard to offer sales to people when they are telling you to "hurry the fuck up." The free pair is based on single vision (for reading or distance) with the basic lens, and he needs an invisible bifocal with extra thin lenses, so they would've had to pay $139 to get anything he can actually use. They don't want to pay extra though so these glasses are going to be horrible. While they're waiting, the daughter goes and buys coffee for them all and keeps saying "DAD, THIS COFFEE IS VERY HOT! BE VERY CAREFUL!" She went off to shop and he sat there and drank the coffee with no problem while his wife bitched at him about how he liked cigars more than her.
Anyway, the man is very sweet and doesn't deserve to be treated like a child by his family. He obviously knows who they are and what's going on and doesn't need to be constantly reminded of all his troubles. He's still allowed to smoke cigars, so obviously he isn't mentally incapacitated. I just hate to see people treat their parents badly. I hate teenagers that say mean things to their parents (even though I used to be one) and I hate older people that resent having to take care of the people that have given them everything. I know it must be remarkably hard to be a caretaker for someone with Alzheimer's, but I have seen it done in a way that lends some dignity to the person. My best friend in elementary school's mother took care of her mother with advanced Alzheimer's, her mentally retarded sister, and her own five children for years while she taught elementary school and I never heard her complain.
I'm incredibly naive about being a caretaker, but no matter how bad things get, how can you treat one of your parents with anything less than love and respect?
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I got an email yesterday from the security chief of the school where I am getting certified to teach. Apparently, there is a guy in his mid-twenties running around exposing his genitals on the mostly female campus in dark, uninhabited areas. Sometimes he is just running around totally naked (though probably wearing shoes). Anyway, all of that is pretty commonplace these days, albeit scary and disgusting. The ridiculous portion of the story is that THEY HAVE THE GUY'S LICENSE PLATE NUMBER and he is still on the loose. I think the chief of security is on some sort of power trip and must be determined to capture the suspect using his only his wits and one of those booby trapped nets that will pull the guy into a tree rather than just calling the police and having them solve the matter in an hour or so.
UPDATE: I started writing this column about two weeks ago, and I haven't heard about this since. Does that mean this dude's still giving the ladies an eyeful or that he's been captured?
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If you haven't planned a wedding, you might not know that wedding DJs must be the most deluded entrepreneurs on the planet. I suppose I can't speak for other areas of the country but the Eastern Shore of Maryland (where the wedding is taking place) is chock full of DJs using the seemingly benign occupation to spread some sort of self-righteous agenda. In my experience before finding an agreeable DJ, there seem to be two types of these musical villains.
TYPE ONE: "The Entertainer" as in "I am an ENTERTAINER!"
Silly me, I thought the wedding DJ was supposed to play what songs the bride and groom want, when they want them. Apparently, the DJ can't operate unless he has the freedom to "read the crowd" and "roll with it." I agree that the DJ should be able to change the music if people are sitting at their tables asleep, but I think I can better predict what my guests might want to listen to than some dude who has never met any of them and probably really likes the Bee Gees. This type also includes the type of DJ that plays a few of the songs the couples request and then veers off into "Brick House" territory (Hmmph! "Brick House" was so much fun at my wedding! - Ed.). A friend of mine actually burned all the cds for the DJ to play at her sister's wedding. After the first cd he started playing what he wanted. The bride's brother requested a song that was on the cds they provided (G'n'fin'R even), and the DJ wouldn't even play it until he went and got the bride to make the demand.
TYPE TWO: "The True Believer" as in "As a Christian, I am a TRUE BELIEVER in playing family friendly, non-controversial music."
In my search for a DJ, I came across a lot of Eastern Shore DJ businesses that have their own pre-approved song lists. I guess they would have to listen to and approve any additional songs the bride and groom may want to play. I'm sure there are people in the world that
want to have some sort of profane music medley at their wedding, but I don't think many couples want to make their grandma upset by grinding to something like "(Ride It) My Pony" or some other thinly disguised song about erections on the big day. In fact, I think most couples would probably choose the same songs as these Christian DJs anyway if they had to write the whole song list. So why does there have to be an approved song list? The True Believer played the music at a friend's wedding a few years ago. I didn't know it at the time, but he refused to play "Thriller" when the bride requested it at the wedding because he thought Michael Jackson was too controversial. UNACCEPTABLE! If "Thriller" was about the thrill of molesting young boys or something along those lines, then yes, the song is too controversial. I don't see how the content of "Thriller" changes at all just because Michael Jackson faces charges. Sports movies don't seem to have a problem featuring that Gary Glitter song and I think he's in jail now for the statutory rape of a twelve year old girl! Unfortunately, I guess this is the exact political climate that's going to make True Believers rich as hell for playing "My Heart Will Go On."
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So, by the next time you hear from me, I'll be a married woman! It's hard for me to believe, too. I'm incredibly excited and lucky to be marrying my best friend. I can't wait.
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To Do List:
1. Buy the new Keane album.
2. Watch "Everything is Illuminated." The lead singer of Gogol Bordello is in it wearing a wifebeater and Kangol hat.
3. Raise the demand for that bagel bread I've only ever seen in one place.
4. Don't get tan lines (especially if you're one of my bridesmaids), but don't sunbathe naked in public or lay in a tanning bed. Just wear some sunscreen already!
